I've been trying, for some time now, to put up a post about Amy. February 12th marked one year that we have been without her presence in our lives and I'm having a hard time putting that into words. In the past year I have NOT deleted her number from my phone, deleted her address from my address book, or taken her off my email list. I don't know why. In the past year I HAVE woken up from a dead sleep to sob uncontrollably about how much I miss her, reconnected with old college friends to talk about her, seen the last Harry Potter film without her, and named a beautiful baby girl after her. I do know why I've done all those things....
One year has gone by in which I didn't hear your voice, see your smile, or feel your touch. One year of birthdays that you didn't get to celebrate with us, one year of milestones that you didn't get to hear about, one year of jokes and accomplishments that my kids didn't get to tell you about. I could be all spiritual about it and say things like how I know you are in a better place, how I'm happy that you are no longer in pain and how everything happens for a reason...but I just don't feel those things. I miss you so much that it overwhelms me at times and I just wish you were here.
A friend of mine recently sent me a message that commented on how she admires how I live my life with gratitude and how, despite the losses our family has sustained over the past few years, we continue to move forward with joy. I guess today, I'm just not feeling that.
And so I'm off to embark on another year with you. Another year of milestones, birthdays, holidays and just plain ol' regular days...all without your smile. I know that I need to remember how lucky I am to have had you in my life for the short time I did. I know I will continue to hear your voice in the crashing of the ocean waves, see your smile in the stars, and feel your presence in every unexpected penny. And while I know, truly know, that your spirit is watching over us, while I can feel your love supporting us in tough times and wrapping around us in good times, and while I continue to find pennies in unexpected places, I still, still, find myself wishing more than anything that you were here (yes, I know I've already said that!).
I love you, Amy, and I miss you. There isn't much else to say.