Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Putting this "out there"

So now that I'm officially blogging, I'm terribly nervous. Suddenly, everything that I have to say (that my friends tell me is so important to get "out there") seems either completely meaningless or simply a repeat of what you could find on any number of other blogs. I don't want my blog to be a story about how I fill my days or cute pictures of my kids (though I will include those occasionally). I want it to be an active discussion about trying to live a simple life with kids. But that isn't the only thing now is it? Because I have had a loss. People who know me know what I am referring to and know how deeply it has changed me.

And now we are at the part I'm afraid of. The death of my baby girl changed me so profoundly that many people simply don't understand it or don't think they need to. Some people think I'm just crazy. They think my baby girl isn''t worth all the energy I put into remembering her or including her in my life. Keep in mind that most people who think this way aren't doing it to be mean--they honestly believe that it would be best for me to "move on" and "stop dwelling." They can't see that what I do is not dwelling...it is integrating her into our lives. It is trying to make sense out of a senseless loss. It is acknowledging that there is, indeed, a huge, gaping hole between my 4-year-old and my 8-month-old. There really is.

Please understand, I don't want this blog to be all about Sophie, because she isn't all there is to me or to my family. But nor can this blog be just about my living kids, because that isn't all there is to me either. Everything I will say on this blog is being said through the veil of a loss--whether it sounds like it or not--and that could very well upset people who would rather I just stopped living that life. Because I can't. That simple.

So there you have it. This is what I'm putting out there.

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